Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Best mom ever 😂
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.