*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
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Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
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Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
a god among men
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas