M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
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Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I found your tweet-up…
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks