@dumbbeezie: My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
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@PinkCamoTO: I'm so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
@TheHyyyype: [high] ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing FRIEND: wait, u mean- ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it's still out there somewhere
@morninggloria: why is it ok for adults to dress in the jerseys of their team when they go to games but weird when i show up to the doctor dressed in scrubs
@pixelatedboat: You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug