@dumbbeezie: My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
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@nintendoesnt: waitress: i’m sorry your food is taking so long! me: *presses forehead against hers* listen to me. i know it’s not your fault. i love you. i am tipping you 80%.
@DrawingShadows: Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.
@ShortSleeveSuit: Blacksmith *shoes a horse* Swordsmith *forges a blade* Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
@mortimermaiden: Doctor: I'm afraid we've lost him. Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches! Doctor: It's just a figure of speech, ma'am, he's right here in the morgue.