My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
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-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.