My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
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I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ