My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
so, is there a mister shapen head
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone