My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
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Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
That eye roll….
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*