My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
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From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.