@Bizarro_Mark: My parents haven't called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I'm sending my brother over there to check on them.
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@timdonakowski: Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day? Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.
@NatBaimel: 17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
@AntozWolf: I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
@johncheese: I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, "Get dressed and grab your gun -- they found him."