My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
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I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Support your local cemetery
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.