Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
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Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.