My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
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Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
These work great until they don’t.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.