My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Cheers Twitter.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years