I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes