My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
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Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Plumber: I think I found the problem
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company