My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
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I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Noah
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Unexpected Judgment
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here