My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*