@Angibangie: Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask? It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese...

@PaulyPeligroso: I stash my weed in the middle of a bunch of Russian nesting dolls so when the cops are searching for it they give up like after 5 dolls.

@ibid78: Momma bird: welcome to the world! Baby bird: thx! M: for the next few months instead of food, I'ma just throw up in your mouth. B: wait what

@_youhadonejob1: The most Russian headline ever.

@ABKool: If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save? Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left