My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
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Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.