My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
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Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever