My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
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God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
This is amazing.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Breaking news:
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then