My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
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I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?