My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
mood
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles