My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
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I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames