My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Best spoiler warning ever
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.