My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?