@Heartblakekid15: My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn't reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
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@funnyordie: BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker? RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn't know him. He goes to another Olympics. #LochteGate
@amazymay72x: Weed doesn't give me an attitude when I forget to pay the electric bill... I love you, weed.
@rantingmd: googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen