My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
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Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
he’s doing your taxes
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.