My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
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“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
ok this is my dumbest yet
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.