My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
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[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Weirdly Wednesday.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?