My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
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Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]