My patience has stretch marks.
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My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”