My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
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[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.