Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
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[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Our lord and savoury.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die