My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
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I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
also my go-to takeaway order
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.