My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
You Might Also Like
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Midwest trash talk
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst