Seek kebab; not attention
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I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
The answer is funnier than the question
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.