You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
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[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.