@KKAlThani: My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I'm craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.
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@StarWarsProblms: Kylo Ren: I am your father. Rey: We're roughly the same age. You're just copying everything Vader said. Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
@garrydavenport: *weigh myself* Hmmmm... *weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter* Ah these are more accurate...
@okay_andi: Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
@WheelTod: I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor's a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.