@KKAlThani: My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I'm craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.
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@Brampersandon_: WIFE: I got us this new candle ME: sweet. What flavor is it? W: don't you mean 'what scent is it?' ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
@Zac_Franklin: my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is "sorry, I was drunk." But now everyone thinks I'm an alcoholic so..shit.
@pleatedjeans: Me: we're throwing a surprise party for Tim Wife: don't you hate Tim? Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes