I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
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[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.