My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
“Why you watching this shit?”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I hope this email finds you in a well
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.