me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
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If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
For anyone who needs this today
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.