If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
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took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
And now we wait
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]