I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
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Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”