“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.