@geowizzacist: My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
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@ObscureGent: Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man? Them: Naw, I killed 5 people Me: so you don't like Spider-Man?
@Spaziotwat: [Last Supper] Jesus:"We need 13 chairs please" Judas:"But chairs don't fall into common usage until the 16th century AD" Jesus:"AD?"
@Storminika: If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald's would be doing it.
@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy, do you like princesses?" "Yes." "Why?" "Well usually they have a nice set of ti-" Wife: "Shut it." "I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON."