My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
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I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
That’s enough internet for the day
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream