me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
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Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.