Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.