My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
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If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
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M:
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M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Finished stitching this today 😇