@5hael: My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
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@XplodingUnicorn: My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk. Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
@seanscrap: Hello, Atheist Ghostbusters? Yes? I have a ghost in my bathroom. No, you don’t. Oh, right. Thanks so much! That’s why we’re here.
@bridger_w: After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, "I'll keep that in mind" and walk off