@5hael: My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@iwearaonesie: coworker: Do you want a plate? me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
@TimJohnish: I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.
@emptyheadtwo: I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn't long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off. I love counterfeiting stuff
@3sunzzz: Hang up weed instead of mistletoe, then every time you stand under it you can have a snack.