My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
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The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Potatoes were such a good idea
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.