@5hael: My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What's the first step of fire safety? 4-year-old: Stay away from dragons. Me: 4: Me: Well, obviously.
@prodigalsam: "I wish I had more time to read" he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.
@pharmasean: DAD: I invented a diaper that's also a time machine! MOM: Where do the poops go DAD: dunno! [CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942] HITLER: omfg