@lovemydogduck: My Phone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways
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@shashaintl: A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
@Snarfernini: I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
@flashember: "Alex is visiting later tonight." Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing? [From the moon] It's not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
@shawnspree: Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What's that? Like maybe 10 years?